Reflections from a Solo Female Traveler

I began collecting airline miles nearly twenty years ago during a trip from Chicago to LA to Seattle for a wedding. After a perfect storm of storms, all the major airports in the U.S, including Denver, Chicago, Dallas, and New York, along with several others, were all affected by different but timely storms that caused a domino effect of delays and cancellations moving from east to west. I was unfortunately delayed at O'Hare for several hours before arriving at LAX in the dead of night, only to be told that the first flight wouldn’t be until six in the morning. Still, I would receive ten thousand airline miles as compensation for the delays. Being only nineteen and unaware of the procedures and what to do, I did not complain but found a corner to huddle up in. Like many others who had the same idea, I tried to catch a few moments of sleep before the sun rose on the horizon, and I rushed off to my early morning flight.

Since that dreadful journey, I had been accumulating miles, especially in recent years, with the aim of going on an adventure. I do not know who or what planted the idea of solo travel in my mind, but I began to envision a solo trip somewhere in the world. After considering a multitude of destinations, I settled on Madrid. I was somewhat familiar with the city, having visited a couple of years prior, but due to airline delays, I only spent twenty-four hours there. I also needed a location outside the country where I felt safe as a female traveler. Although I wish I were more adventurous and had chosen a more exotic place, I felt the city struck a good balance. I booked my trip, allowing myself seven days away from home, the longest I’ve ever been away on my own since getting married and having kids.

I have always believed in rest and solitude as being important. It wasn’t until motherhood that I found both to be in short supply. Then I read a book about the seasons in a woman’s life and the importance of time for herself. After ten years of motherhood, seven days seemed to strike a chord of compromise.

“You will say to me ‘solitude.' You will remind me that I must try to be alone for part of each year, even a week or a few days; and for part of each day, even for an hour or a few minutes for me to keep my core, my center, my island quality.”
— ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH

I took this advice seriously, but my courage evaded me as the date of my trip grew nearer. As the trip date slowly crept closer, severe dread filled my thoughts. I no longer wanted to travel, I did not want to go alone, and I felt guilty for leaving my family for no other reason than an adventure. Besides an adventure,

There was no way to undo what I had chosen without losing money, so I continued to say a sad goodbye to my children and husband. Once on the plane, I settled in, still feeling guilty and less than thrilled about my travel plans. It was a long, disrupted night, as any overnight flight in economy is certain to be, but I did sleep a little, hoping I would feel better once I landed in Madrid.

I arrived in the morning and felt relieved to have reached Madrid safely, although I still carried some apprehension. I visited the café in the airport that I knew offered gluten-free bread and allowed myself a moment to pause and take in my surroundings. A sudden flashback hit me, taking me back to traveling with my family and sitting in nearly the same spot. Despite the chaos of traveling with kids, I realized I preferred that disorder to solitude. I want to clarify that I have no trouble being alone, and silence isn’t necessarily uncomfortable for me. What I missed was having someone to share the experience with—like a glance from my husband or a friend, recognizing the significance of the journey and sharing those memories. At that moment, I understood I wasn’t destined to be a solo female traveler, though it took a few more days to fully confirm that belief.

Although my room was comfortable and clean, it felt almost too quiet. I would come to regret that observation in the early hours of the morning when I realized the hotel was soundproofed against outside noise but not from the sounds in the hall at all hours. Still, I woke up after nearly ten hours of sleep, which is unusual for someone who typically gets around seven hours a night. One of the perks of traveling alone was that I only had myself to take care of. There were no early morning whining calls from my kids or restless movements from my husband. Even meals were entirely my choice, and I didn’t have to rush out to fill the stomachs of hungry children through the fog of jet lag. Instead, I enjoyed the greatest benefit of taking time away: the absence of people depending on me.

I still missed home dreadfully, so much so that I looked into what it would cost to fly home immediately. With the cost in the thousands and the absurdity of the idea, I resolved to make the most of my trip. I knew I would have some struggles, but I was also determined—whether through pride or resilience—to make the most of the experience. During the days I spent alone, I discovered a few things about solo traveling. Here are some of my thoughts:

PROS

No Dependents

I greatly enjoyed the time when I was free to not look after others. This did not mean I was strictly and narcissistically focused only on myself. I still helped people when they asked me for directions (this happens to me a lot) or swapped seats with someone if it would ease their travel. What I mean is that I didn’t have to be a caretaker for a whole week, and during that time, I realized how much of my life is dedicated to caring for others. Even my husband, who is no idle spouse, requires care and consideration. It was a nice change of pace only to have to think of myself and what my needs were.

Meal Times and Food

One of the struggles when traveling with kids is their pickiness and my limitations due to a gluten allergy. Thankfully, when traveling outside the U.S., it’s actually easier to find food I can eat. Finding food anywhere in the European Union is simpler thanks to regulations mandating allergen labeling and cities opening restaurants that are fully gluten-free. Even so, my schedule is usually dictated by mealtimes, as children cannot postpone hunger. It was liberating to eat whenever and wherever I wanted, even if that meant just grabbing something from the market and sitting in my hotel room.

Time for Photography

As a photographer, I travel with my large DSLR camera to make time to capture the places I visit. Normally, it is a mad dash of snapping a couple of shots, then rushing to keep up with my family. Sometimes I take too long, and my kids get restless while my husband loses his patience. On this trip, I was allowed to take my time. I could even pause for a few minutes to get the shot I wanted instead of settling for what I could manage.

Empowerment

Although I felt guilty about my trip, I was empowered by the experience. I had traveled to a foreign country alone and succeeded. I can look back and know that I am capable of traveling solo, even if I prefer companionship. In a world where women are limited in so many ways and in so many places, I was gratified that I could venture out on my own.

Safety

Believe it or not, I felt safer in Madrid than in the places I visited in the US. There is something about the way Americans look at each other, boldly making eye contact, that does not happen elsewhere. It wasn’t until I returned to the US that I saw and felt so many eyes on me in the airport. Traveling alone taught me the difference between cultures in ways I had not noticed before.

CONS

Loss of Sanctuary

Whenever I travel, I struggle with the loss of my home and safe space. As an empath and an introvert, home life is vital to my recovery after interacting with the outside world. I've realized that family also acts as a sanctuary—people I can connect with and feel secure around. Not having my husband is particularly challenging; he is a wonderful travel partner, and we typically share responsibilities during our journeys. Carrying the full burden of responsibility can sometimes feel empowering, but more often, it feels heavy and stressful.

Lack of Companionship

I am just extroverted enough to need companionship, yet I also require alone time. I had plenty of time to myself, but I missed someone to share it with. It almost felt as though the trip didn’t happen. I have no one to talk to about the bus ride to Segovia or the protests I witnessed, nor can I share the enjoyment of the gluten-free bakeries I discovered. I looked around for someone to reminisce with, but there was no one. I believe that with time I could adapt to solo travel, but deep down, I prefer companionship over complete solitude.

The Feeling of Guilt

Maybe it was because it was my first trip traveling solo, but I felt a significant amount of guilt about my adventure. Did I really need to travel thousands of miles away? Was it a trip for restoration or merely an escape? Too many thoughts filled my mind, and it wasn’t until midway through the trip that the guilt began to fade. I’m not sure if it’s due to culture that I felt so guilty or if my personality struggles with guilt. Either way, the feeling of remorse dampened my spirits during the first part of my journey.

TRAVELING ADVICE

From my list, it appears that there are more advantages to traveling solo than disadvantages, but I believe each person must decide for themselves what experiences they want to have. I prefer companionship. It's not in a ‘be together all the time’ sort of way. In fact, I enjoy finding time to sneak away for some alone time when I am traveling with others. A mix with more time spent together is the right balance for me. For others, more solo time might work better. Regardless, I would not have discovered my preference if I had not been brave and ventured out on my own.
I am so glad there are more women traveling solo, so that hotels and restaurants are recognizing the influx and creating spaces for those traveling alone. I felt at ease and perfectly safe while traveling solo, although it helped that I spoke enough of the local language to get by. My encouragement to other women is to try solo traveling at least once. Some might return and, like me, seek companionship, while others might recognize their own bravery and want to experience solo traveling again.
For mothers specifically, I encourage finding ways to spend time alone. Just a few minutes every hour, one or two hours each week, part of a day each month, or a few days a year can have restorative power. Instead of booking a solo trip a thousand miles away for a week, I plan to choose a location nearby (within driving distance) and a shorter duration (two or three days) next time. It will be just enough to take a break from daily life and remind me how fortunate I am.

SOLO IN MADRID