FRIENDSHIP
Reflections on Friendship Inspired by David Grayson
Fons Van der Velde. Heads in a crowd, 1880 - 1936. The Rijksmuseum
How Full People Are
For all our technology and information, it seems as though people are more lonely than ever. Not the loneliness one finds in isolation, but loneliness amidst a sea of people—no one really knowing or fully seeing us. This type of solitude is painful in a different degree. In isolation, we are choosing to be alone and be unseen. Isolation while surrounded by people means people are choosing not to see us.
What friendship offers, whether merely a degree of acquaintance or the depth of near kinship, is a loosening of pent-up happiness and sadness. Life is meant to be shared, not solely had to earn food, water, and shelter. Our joys are increased and our burdens lessened when they are experienced with others.
Deep down, every person has value and something to offer. Too often, people find themselves in places they should not be and with people they should not be with. The power of community and friendship is finding the right people at the right time, allowing some friendships to last for a season, and then letting go.
Happier With Less
In a materialistic world, the idea is that the more one has, the happier one should be. Time and time again, it has been found that the world was not meant to be materialistic. The world is an organic form, nurturing and cultivating other organisms. People can be happier if they focus more on absolute happiness—contentment regardless of circumstances—instead of circumstantial happiness—contentment only when circumstances meet their expectations.
Having quality friendships can help nurture this type of absolute happiness. A good friend is will be happy to visit you whether you only have one room or live in a mansion, whether you barely have water to offer or have excess to display. Our search for companionship should be less on what someone has or does not have, but more about what qualities they possess and the influence they may have on ourselves.
When we do find friendships that go beyond the material, we find that we need less in life. There is less comparison and less competition. There is simple joy in being in the company of someone who you know and who knows you.
Vilhelm Hammershøi. Moonlight, Strandgade 30, 1900–1906. The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Marianne Papillon. Allegory of Peace, 1750 - 1799. The New York Public Library
Not As Serious
Not only do people seem too serious at present, but they also seem to take too many things personally. On top of all that, the urge to divide people into groups pushes more people away. If we whittle down each person to their core, we find an ordinary, fallible, but valuable human being. It is as simple as that. All the other categories are superfluous to this fundamental truth.
When we enter into a more profound friendship with people, we experience more of who they are. We witness more of their character and understand their values. Although we cannot have deep friendships with everyone, we must realize that we have a relationship with every human being. A stranger is a stranger, a neighbor is a neighbor, and a friend is a friend. We share a common human nature. Lately, how common nature has leaned to the excess rather than simplify matters—life is not as serious as we make it out to be.
How Far Afield
Woe to the avid traveler! Are you embarking on a trip for escape or obligation? Is it the motivation to experience something new or to continue the never-ending search for beauty?
I will admit, I am guilty of a tug of war between loving my home and feeling desperate to escape. I long for change more than the average soul, and travel lends itself to fulfilling this desire. I am beginning to understand the need to travel for rest, but not as an escape. Travel is a means of experience, an opportunity for creativity, and less about the lure of foreign places.
A strong friendship is beautiful. There must be disappointments, happiness, struggle, and joy to have a strong friendship. The endless search for new friends is only going to lead to heartache. We each are complicated creatures prone to selfishness. A new acquaintance can seem more beautiful because we have not looked close enough to see their flaws, but they are there. The beauty of friendship is when it holds together despite the disappoinments and is nutured by people willing to hold fast and not run away.
Johan Hendrik Weissenbruch. Cellar of the Artist’s Home in The Hague, 1888. The Rijksmuseum
Odilon Redon. I Saw a Flash of Light, Large and Pale, 1896. The Cleveland Museum of Art
Being Where One Belongs
A sense of belonging is a natural desire that we seek in many different places. We long to be seen and known and to be genuine. How many of us look up, look around, and realize you do not know how you got to where you are? That of awakening is a healthy occurrence, although it usually comes with regret.
Sometimes, we look around and wonder how we have our friendships. We change our priorities, reevaluate our interests, and reconcile that we may be with the wrong crowd. A good group of friends makes one feel as though they belong. There are differences in personalities, of course. But at the center is an authentic desire for each person to be their best version. Life becomes easier to manage and accept when we feel we belong then and there. Joy can be found in recognizing that we are where we are supposed to be and that we have friends who support us along the way.
Reconnecting with Life
Afloat has been the word wafting around my mind. This era seems unrooted and unattached to reality and identity. We recycle fashion styles, societal patterns, and political inclinations from bygone years. The chaos and lack of trust our society is experiencing lead to a lost sense of reality. What is real? Who can we trust?
We should encourage those around us to find some sense of security. Family is the usual place to look, but blood is sometimes not enough. Friendship is the family we choose. We need grounding with people who welcome reality, even with all its unpredictability. Those people will be happy ‘despite’ not ‘because of.’ Strong friendships support dreams and keep one in touch with reality. They are the checks and balances of life that build you up and bring you back down to earth.
Paul Joseph Constantin Gabriel. Farm in open field, 1860 - 1903. The Rijksmuseum
Menso Kamerlingh Onnes. Windowsill with Bottles, a Glass Globe and an Apple, c. 1892. The Rijksmuseum
Failure to Control Thoughts
Too often, vice is blamed for the iniquities of humankind instead of the lack of control a person is willing to admit. The idea of drunkedness beyond the bottle seems apt to age we live in where those who have more still want more. They are intoxicated by their freedom to do as they please and have little regard for others.
Friendship can be stronger than the fate of familial designation. A friend can counter, intervene, and scrutinize to prevent a failure of control where a family cannot. A good friend does not exacerbate overindulgence but wisely encourages restraint. We do not give into the outburst of the juvenile; why should we accept the frenzy of the fully grown? A friend sees beyond the vice and recognizes the root cause of the disorder.
Mathieu Lauweriks. Two figures by a tree, 1895. The Rijksmuseum
Fond of Being
In a society where the hustle mindset is the norm, it is hard to belong without feeling as though something is expected. How I can use you or how you can use me is the question behind most eyes as they glance at each other. Even in friendship, we find quid pro quos, only using each other to meet an end result.
Let this not be! A friend is not just someone with similar interests, ideals, and priorities. A friend is easy to talk to and welcomes silence as a sign of trust. A good friend is a person who is wanted because of what they can offer, but simply by being who they are. How precious it is to find someone willing to sit in companionable silence!